ON STAGE RANTINGS

Saturday Night's show -- 5.19.12

It’s hard to sit here and not wonder why there aren’t more people in the audience. Part of me is wickedly excited I get to complain about this here, knowing I’ll be posting this on The Last Day Blog. Another part of me hurts, because I wanted people to hear this story, and for whatever reason, we aren’t able to get the seats filled. I feel like I failed the theatre company. I feel like I failed the cast.  I know it’s hard to get people out to see a new play in Los Angeles. But I honestly thought it would be okay. I thought we’d have sold out houses and lines out the door. I thought a lot of things would happen in my life that didn’t end up happening, and I always think I’m going to get better at dealing with the disappointment, and instead, I’m painfully shocked into the submission of realizing I am not God, I cannot control anything outside of my own responses to things, and I am always going to have to deal with disappointment.

That being said, I think I’ve dealt with it pretty well by being immensely grateful to the people who have come to support this show. Letting go of resentment is a big part of growing up. Letting go of “the way things are supposed to be” is a big part of finding true peace and joy. Even if one person is sitting in the audience, that’s enough. Because opening your heart to even one person is a huge feat in itself. I’ve left many personal relationships because of my fear and unwillingness to truly open my heart, be vulnerable, and risk loss or disappointment.

All I can do is my best. To be open, to be willing, to be a channel for whatever divine thing is going to flow through me at any given moment, and trust that whatever it is, it’s serving the world.